• sleep
• clean room
• do laundry
• do various homework
• fill out sheets for missed tests, exams etc.
• remove head from pretty little ass and hope i can salvage my education somehow
• call mike, maybe

tomorrow after class i am going to get my hair cut and styled and then on a downtown shopping spree. i intend to pick up some hot pieces from american apparel. i should probably pre-shop online right now to verify the exact styles i want. then i have less than twenty-four hours until my moment of destiny.

my plan would’ve been flawless at the kool haus because there’s one entrance for everyone; no underground secret areas etc. i have no idea where the backstage entrance at the molson amphitheatre is. i suppose i’ll find out when i go for my meet & greet before the show. hmm, maybe this will work after all. i guess i just have to try for the after party passes while at the meet & greet. should i try myspace again as a precursor? or will that seem weird and annoying? he doesn’t have to read it i guess. might as well. but will it make him want to invite or avoid? such a fine line and one way could destroy all chances or start every thing! bah.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

i’ve convinced myself that i have leukemia. that seems like such a stupid thing to say, only because it’s so specific without solid evidence. i should probably see a doctor anyway. i haven’t had a blood test in, well, forever. i can’t remember having blood drawn. i don’t want to subject myself to that. i can see blood, watch operations on tv and all the goriest movies without flinching, but when it comes to me being able to feel the blood leave my body, i get faint. i’m too in tune with my physical self for my own good. i’m getting light headed just thinking about it.

this visa thing is bothering me. not just because of the money, but i have a suspicion that someone may be trying to pull one over on me. i’m probably just reading too much into things, but boy would that suck. meh, live and learn i guess.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

forgive me for my obsession, but this fantasy’s all i have. it’s the only thing that’s real to me. it’s the only thing i know for sure. i deserve nothing more.