i have a confession: i actually kind of want to see/am excited about the sex and the city movie. ugh. after countless years of hating everything it stands for and the unreal implications of carrie’s lifestyle and just how carefree their lives are, i broke down and downloaded season four. this was a long time ago and i didn’t tell a soul about it, but i’m sure you might have caught a few quotes mentioned either here or in my msn name. while the shoes and the sex are great, i think i love the shallowest aspect of it: the friendship. i know that’s supposed to be the story behind the glitz but it really doesn’t portray real relationships (sexual or otherwise) at all. i think i enjoy the fantasy of perfect friends that are so close through thick and thin but without any cattiness between them. that doesn’t happen in real life. at least, i’ve never personally found it. maybe with one person but not three others at the same time. why do girls have to be so . . . petty?

i’ve been meaning to apply to jobs but i really want to redo my resume first. this has caused much procrastination. the main reason is because i don’t like to think about what i have to offer because on paper, i’ve got zilch. i think i often fall flat in interviews too because too often i don’t really want the job so i hold back, or i just make some brainless mistake like not bringing my resume. honestly though, if i send you my resume in an email two times already, do i really need to bring another one? and don’t get me started on franchises and their stupid fill in the blank forms. it’s all the exact same information that’s included on my resume, but much less legible because you made me write it out in pen. anyway, my point was that there are lots of things that i think i could be really good at, but my paper qualities won’t even get me a foot in the door. i’m not even twenty-two and it’s like it’s too late for me to start anything. maybe i’ll just try for anything.

another thing holding me back is not having a car and living in mississauga. it takes at least half an hour to get anywhere. it’s such a pain and dangerous in this cold weather. it’s also super annoying because you’re supposed to dress appropriately but when you have to take the bus you can’t wear nice shoes or a nice coat because they don’t keep you warm.

okay, i think i’ve ranted enough to be fine for a while. is anything happening tonight? i want to do something new but non-expensive. ring me.

how have i managed to survive? on a diet of video games and anime. i’m coming to a shortage of both. over the weeks i would randomly turn on my laptop to see if i could steal some wireless from anywhere. low and behold, it worked today. how’s life? complicated. i don’t think i’m up for discussing the brunt of it just yet, but i will say that it’s not good and it is a lifelong, life changing event.

being away from the internet and then coming back has made me want to get away from the former me even more. maybe i’ll try for nyu if the australia thing doesn’t work out. i just need a fresh start and new people that i really, genuinely like. oh, and money. lots of that would be nice too. i can’t say i’ve been trying real hard though. it’s been difficult the past few weeks with all the snow and cold and no internet. i’m not exactly motivated to go out when i have to take the bus to places that probably won’t hire me. ugh. job hunting is so depressing. i think i hate the travelling the most. just give me the job and let me work. i don’t want to be part of a team, i just want to do what i’m paid for and then leave. too anti-social? i guess that’s because i’m imagining a job that i’ll have just for the money.

stupid wordpress has another update. surprise surprise. i don’t have the patience right now. now i’m caught up in a guide on how to teach yourself japanese (my minor when i go back to school).

i desperately need a haircut but i’m reluctant to spend any money. i need it for medication and to pay people back. maybe i’ll just go downtown tomorrow and do it. i was supposed to dye it blonde, but i really don’t have the money for that. plus i decided that i’ll do it in the summer; that makes more sense. i do want to have my hair prettified for saturday though.

random aside: i want to be in a band like paramore. i could totally be that chick. or garbage. guys who are in bands that are looking for lead singers are never looking for chicks. they want to keep it as homosexual as possible and make sure that every band practice is a sausage-fest. most of them aren’t good anyway, but it’s good practice for me.

i’ve been confused as of late. if you want details, just combine some other people’s blogs and you’ve got my problem. it’s almost funny how similar our problems seem to be; at least they’re centred around the same topic. *sigh*

tomorrow: haircut it is.

i got back from the vermont trip on sunday, had one day of rest away from the same people in which i slept and played guitar hero, then met up with all of them again for new year’s eve. much drunkenness and joy was had. we even went skating. it was quite fun. then i made out with minh and lots of pictures were taken. crazy drunk people.

i’m really glad that i decided to go on that trip last minute. it turned out to be one of the best things all year. i need to be with those people more often. it’s always a good time.

now it’s a new year and i need to get a job. boo. i’m in holiday/vacation mode. let’s be honest, i’m always in that mode. however, i’m certain that after i pay for the trip i will be broke again. i did get some awesome snowpants and boots out of it, so i guess it’s worth it. and of course the memories.

now i’m off to play guitar hero again because i’m super cool like that. it’s how i roll.

oh yeah, happy new year and holidays and all that!

it’s amazing how a few little pieces of information can completely flip the way you see a person. oh well, i guess it’s natural and completely fine, just totally unexpected. i’m too drunk to write right now but things blew my mind tonight.

i miss people. i need people.

i’m fat. i need to work out again. i’ll get on that on thursday. too much to do in-between.

i’m happy, but it’s bitter sweet.

i’ve been in cambridge for a whole week and then some. i miss the money that i didn’t get to earn,  but it was worth it. i have one more week there anyway (as far as i know at the moment) so that’s more than enough to pay my bills and still have cash left over for christmas. one thing’s for sure though: i cannot do that job on a permanent basis. starting in the new year, i’ll take up the consulting job. from now to then i’ll try to get a bartending job for money and because i honestly really miss it. i’ll also look for other full time jobs that fit me better and give me places to grow, but the consulting position seems to be genuinely interesting. i’ll just have to take it and see. plus, the hours are awesome (12-8) and it’s so close so even if i have to take the bus i won’t have to leave 2 hours before i get there to make it on time. downside is i don’t get benefits for six months. so many things could happen in that time. if you were to tell me what was going to happen now six months ago, there’s no way in hell i’d believe you.

right now i’m hoping for a job at red lobster. why? i really don’t know, it just appeals to me for some reason. plus it’s close-ish so i don’t have to bust my ass getting there and it’s not the club scene so i won’t be there until 4am waiting to get paid. my tentative plan is to save up/pay off debt and then go to rome for a week’s vacation and then to australia for a six month to a year work term. that would be so amazing. that’s definitely a goal now. i might have to move out in that time which would suck, but i’m gagging for the freedom. i’m really in the zone of making stupid mistakes while knowing the consequences and not needing parents telling me how stupid is and punishing me for it.

anyway, i’m supposed to be cleaning to help a friend but i guess i have all night to do that too. it’s going to be an okay christmas.