every night i become increasingly short tempered. it’s my fault but i won’t stop what causes it. i wish i had the courage to move on. i wish i had the stability to move on. i continue to be a terrible person with each thought that crosses my mind. maybe i just need to unload it all; speak every last secret, confess all the lies. lose everything and start again. it’s far past time to move and leave the baggage behind.

last night i had a wonderful incubus dream. well, except the part when some guy threatened to kill me. the rest of it was excellent. i love performance dreams. rennie sent my mom an email and i finally got to meet him. we were joking like old friends. b wore a pair of hot boots. he also had a slight australian accent due to their recent tour there; he picked it up because he’s like that. if i have another dream like that tonight i’ll be very happy. to incubus!

maybe i slept too much. my brain is all screwed right now. i’ll blame hormones too, ’cause why the hell not? it’s also annoyingly hot and stuffy in here. i should open the window. it could be my meds which i just changed today.

i’m getting quite sick of not knowing whether something actually happened or not. why do my dreams have to use so many real life symbols? my last one was okay because all the people in it were entirely made up. i do lose some control that way though. i couldn’t find a person for the longest time and then when i did find them i wasn’t sure if it was the same person and i couldn’t turn him into the person i had in mind. it was super annoying. i tried to read that paragraph but i couldn’t. sorry if it doesn’t make sense. the last three days have been weird like this.

another wordpress update has to be installed. i’ve been procrastinating for a while; like, say, my whole life. hah, self-destructive humour! screw you american firefox dictionary.

i need some balancing. i need to see tal. i’m actually kind of worried . . .

i really should be sleeping right now because i have an interview at three and i have other stuff to do too. i fell asleep at eight pm or something ridiculous so now i can’t sleep and i’m extraordinarily hungry. i really want a job just so i can take vocal lessons again. i don’t think i’ve ever even come close to my true potential. unfortunately, i don’t know if private lessons would ever get me there either. i should probably try the rcm. i think i can make the winter session if i get a job within the month. it depresses me to think how much time i’ve wasted.

i think i really will go for a degree in music with a minor in japanese, or vice versa. although i think a major in music is easier than a major in bullshit cultural studies with some japanese language courses thrown in. meh, maybe i’ll just go to college for music and then transfer to somewhere for my masters. i guess it all starts with acquiring money.

i just realized i have three places i can go tomorrow and also a phone interview.  hmm, maybe just two places. i don’t think i can make it back past home before five. i’ll just have to see. i need a car too. bah.

i miss incubus. blah. hopefully some good drunken times tomorrow will rectify that. if not i can just call a certain someone and ask for them, but i guess i really shouldn’t since that number was given with the strictest of confidence. blah again.

and another thing: what’s so great about my smile? i hate the way i look when i smile. i don’t understand why everyone says it’s so great. i look so much better not smiling. i shouldn’t be up right now.

yeah you. the one who keeps relentlessly checking my site for new information. i know who you are. just stop already. if you’re that interested just sign up with an aggregator so you can just check that. or do what other smart people do and use google reader.

i really don’t know why i’m irritated by it. i guess i should be, erm, flattered i guess, that you’ve taken such an  interest in my ‘life’. it’s what i should expect from having a web address with my name and various links here and there. i guess it’s kind of because i don’t really know you but that’s the internet: a double-edged sword.

in non-spazzing out news i desperately need to take singing lessons again. not only because i’m letting my natural talent waste away and i’m actually losing it, but also i think it would bring a lot of happiness back into my life. especially if i start with no intentions other than to get back up to speed and to see just how damn good i can get.  it’s baffling how some people can find singing languages troubling. i suppose that’s unfair since that was one of my many strengths, along with impossibly high notes, impeccable diction, close to perfect pitch and impressive range for a pure soprano; not that i’m blowing my own horn or anything. *sigh* now, once again it’s too late to sing plus i’m in pain due to cramps. job interviews should be fun tomorrow!

i desperately need a job. why you may ask? to responsibly pay off my debts? so i can learn about finance management and pay bills? no. it’s so i can buy guitar hero III - legends of rock and the rock band special edition package. the rock band package is a sweet deal so i need to get money fast to pre-order it. come to think of it, i still need to pick up my paycheque and i have a government cheque to cash. that should cover the pre-order. should i do the responsible thing and pay things off instead? meh, i’ll do that when i have a job. there’s always christmas too. ooh, i can’t wait.